Adoption Journey

I'm mixing up all the Father's Day and temple day posts.  I apologize.  There will be more posts about our special day to come as I get some other pictures that some of our friends lovingly took of us and most of the group that could attend.

In the meantime, I thought I would address the end of the adoption.  As we were walking out of the temple one of the workers asked in a whisper about the adoption.  I gave a few small details and she was surprised that we got Three in our home as on older child and that we adopted him older.  She said something along the lines of how we were able to make it work because it must not have been as hard as she had heard it could be.

Ha!  I wanted to laugh out loudly in response.  Something that is a no-no in the reverent environment where we were conversing.  I kept my thoughts to myself and just said, "Well, it was a journey."

And boy was it.

Adoption of any sort is not for the faint-hearted.  Saving money, doing research, doing large amounts of paperwork, passing a homestudy, waiting, waiting, waiting....and that is just the beginning.

Adopting (or attempting to adopt) an older child or children is an adventure all its own.  And our own adoption story is a little bittersweet.

Adopting an older child takes a great leap of faith, a lot of courage, love, and an immense amount of support.    I can clearly remember meeting Three and M that first day.  The first meeting had been in the making for some time.  When the day finally came, we met them at a restaurant on the pier.  It was June and quite windy and chilly.  Husband and I wandered down to the end of the pier, nervous and excited.  We entered the restaurant and waited at the front, when a lean blonde girl walked by.  She recognized us (we had only seen one picture of the children and it did not do either of them justice) after seeing many pictures of us in the book I made for them when they were deciding whether or not they wanted to meet us.  She smiled, stuck out her hand, and said, "I'm M."  She was very impressive.

We went to the table and met Three.  He was sitting down and Husband and I looked at each other.  Three also looked very different from his picture.  Both kids were a lot more adorable that we imagined.  They laughed and joked as we got to know each other.  Three never sat down.  He stood in the booth and looked at photo albums we had brought to give them a greater idea of what life with us would look like.  They were with their fantastic social worker, Stephanie, who I respect and admire very much.  At the end of dinner, we walked down the pier together.  M wore her white canvas shoes, no socks and an outfit that looked fit for sailing.  Three's curls were longer then.  It's amazing what odd details stick around.

As we got to the end of the pier, it was time to say goodbye.  That was hard for me.  I already felt a desire to mother these children and leaving them was tough.

We drove about an hour and a half several times over the next few weeks to visit and get to know them.  I called M on the phone to learn more about her.  M visited and we went shopping for furniture for her room.  I made custom curtains and bedding.  Husband got a new position at work that was going to require a lot of travel.  I got a little overwhelmed at the idea of doing a lot of the hard work on my own for awhile.  D.T. stepped in with a blessing that helped strengthen me.  M moved in.  Three moved in.  And then we got to living.  There were adjustments.  There were behavior issues.  Some expected, some completely unexpected.  There were good times and bad.

We invented a ghost, Steve, to blame the little things on.  Who moved my ball?  Must have been Steve the Ghost.  Who made my sweater fall on the ground?  Steve!  Steve helped smooth a lot of little things.

But there were bigger things.

Grief.  I underestimated the grieving process that Three went through when he moved to our home.  And I underestimated the grieving process that M went through when their birth mother resurfaced right before the move.  I didn't recognize her grief.  I wish I had.

Time passed.  We hit a lot of bumps.  Sometimes we didn't always handle them the best way.  We did the best we knew how to do but it's amazing what we can learn the hard way.  And some challenges we handled beautifully.  It felt like we were meeting the challenges as they came.  And we sought help for what we didn't know.  We started family therapy.

I relied on two quotes on a daily basis:

Courage isn't always a lion's roar.  It is sometimes the heart at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."        

If for a while the harder you try, the harder it gets, take heart.  So it has been with the best people who ever lived.  -Jeffrey R. Holland. 

There were times when we all had to just put one foot in front of the other during difficult times.  And somewhere along the line, I don't know when exactly, we lost M.  I don't know why or when she decided to leave but she did.  When I heard that she told the judge about her decision, I was stunned.  I couldn't believe it.  I was heart broken.  I was hurt.  And I was angry.  There were times when I wanted to try to convince her to stay.  It's a fine line to ask someone to try again and to pressure them.  I brought it up once, trying to understand what could have been different.  It got heated with emotion and she left the room.  I vowed never to put her in the situation again.  But living with someone while you are grieving the loss and dealing with their destructive behaviors is hard.  My sister, E, gave me the best advice.  "Just love her while she is with you."  That was hard.  Because I could not grieve - I had to manage a delicate situation when all I wanted to do was cry.  But it was the only way that it really should have been done.  Several weeks later, M moved.  We got the call that she was going.  I helped her pack her room.  She was not happy with Three - that he was not going with her.  She picked on him a lot that night and wouldn't hug him goodbye the next day.  I think she was grieving too.  But maybe she was just ready to move on.    

I drove her down to meet a social worker who was going to take her to her new home.  I tried to be positive.  When we got to the meeting place we loaded all her belongings in the county van.  She had a lot more going than she had coming.  I'll admit it.  I spoiled her.  And I loved doing it.  I looked at M.  I wanted to just shake her.  Tell her to knock it off.  Let's go home.  But I had to respect her choice to leave.  It was so hard.  I said goodbye, got in my car, and bawled crocodile tears the whole way home.

It took awhile to get our feet under us.  Three did okay and eventually thrived.  We bonded.

I grieved the loss of M for months.  Still do sometimes.  Sometimes I will see something that reminds me of her.  Sometimes it is just completely out of the blue.  Some of the grief eased when I stopped trying to forget about her.  When I allowed myself to worry about her.  When I acknowledged that even though she is not mine anymore, I can still have care and concern for her.

Three melded into the rest of us.  We continued therapy.  It helped with adjustment.  It helped me know how to help him.  We continued to volunteer with our adoption group, to work in the adoption community, to serve the birth families.

We continued sibling visits with Three's siblings.  It was too hard for me to go to the first several.  Losing M was still raw for me.  Besides, sibling visits are for the siblings.  Not for grief-stricken former mothers.   Husband did them.  I am very grateful to him for that.

And then, out of the blue, we got a call.  Adoption can be finalized.  We have this date or that date available.  The first date offered was a week away.  We took the second date because the kids wouldn't have to miss school and it gave us an extra week to prepare.  We invited Three's siblings.  His sisters couldn't make it.  But his brother, A, who has spent the last couple Christmases with us, was willing and able to come.  Three was adopted the day after Christmas.  What an amazing day!

And then things sort of settled.  We still have the occasional bump.  But even birth children have bad days.

We think of Three's siblings as extra family members.  I have no idea what they think of us or of the adoption.  But, we have fun picking out birthday and Christmas gifts and planning visits.

And after the temple sealing, we feel like a full family.

So was it hard?  Some days were so hard, I can't believe we got through them.  Some behaviors so relentless, I am surprised none of us went nuts.  Some adjustments, for Three and us, so tricky, it's a miracle we stuck it out.  

Was it worth it?

Yes.  Yes, it was.